Dear God~

I have missed so day church services. I am so sorry. My last attempt to drive that far was on my birthday. I got halfway there and then got sick. I miss being in church. I miss my pastor's cyncial ways. I miss the kind faces...the people that meet you once and remember everything about you. I miss feeling the love that my new church gave me. God, I miss You. I know You're here with me, but I still feel like I need to be in Your house.

I didn't purge today, but I really want to. I did do something else, though, and I'm having mixed feelings about it. In one sense, I feel better. It's like, all the pain and hurt went away...if only briefly. In another sense, how can I show up at work like this? I'm so sorry, God. I'm destroying Your temple. But other people have already ruined it. So does it matter?

I don't think my medicine is working. I'm more emotional and my anxiety is sky-high. I don't know how much more I can take before losing it. I'm so scared that I don't even sleep. I don't want to be in a nut house. I would kill myself if they put me there. I'm not crazy, I'm just hurt really bad.

Maybe I do need to talk with Melissa's sister. It's just so awkward. What would I say? She went through a lot more than me, but we both have to learn how to heal. Sometimes it seems easier to inflict the pain on myself....before someone else can hurt me. I don't know, God.

God, please help me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel like this. I just want it all to go away.

I'm seriously thinking about moving to Richmond.

My cousin is pregnant again. I hope she doesn't miscarry this one. I hope she's okay. But I know she will be okay because God has her.

Melissa, I'm sorry.

I want ed back. I guess he's never left...but I need to let him take over. Things were good when he was with me. All of my problems seemed to disappear. I didn't have to deal with anything...he took care of it all. I want to get back down to 106. I know that's high, but it's a lot smaller than I am now. Please, ed, please, come back to me. The rest of my life is out of control. I'm not allowed to drive very far, I feel sick all the time, I have to drop out of this semester...because I can't drive that far to school, the docs think it's all in my head, I can't stop shaking, etc. I need to have control over something...and ed can help me get some control back.

First GW: 115

Middle GW: 106

Last GW: 96

I thought again of another thing to say. I just want to write everything out that I am thinking.

I feel really weird talking to this guy about everything. He's nice, but I'm just uncomfortable. I mean, I don't trust anyone...especially shrinks. I could care less if the shrinks from three years ago burned in hell. I would love it if God let me tease them with a drop of water. I hate them for what they did to me. I was fine until I went to the hospital. After the hospital, I was fat. And I was afraid that I had actually lost my mind like the people I was surrounded with. I would rather die than to go back. Actually, I have a plan in case that should ever happen. The people they hire are too stupid anyways. I would starve myself to death. They can't force me to eat. I would refuse a feeding tube. By the time it came to that, I would already be too far gone.

So, this guy I'm talking to likes to use the word fondle to describe what Idiot did to me. I hate that word. It's so repulsive. Yes, what Idiot did was repulsive, but I still think it is my fault. Sometimes I think I'm still that 11 year old girl trapped inside this 25 year old body. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. And I hate my body more and more each day. I repulse myself.

Well, I forgot to say a couple things. Melissa and her husband used to pastor a United Pentecostal Church in town. They are protective of what their kids hear, see, etc. Hence, there are no movies to watch. They have Sky Angel satellite tv...hence, there is nothing on tv to watch. I am going crazy!!! hahahahaha. Whoever said they quit God were stupid. They are more strict than anyone I've ever seen.

Their house is really nice. I really like it. It has an americana feel to it. It's modern country charm. It is so cute. I'm glad that their dog is starting to warm up to me. I was afraid she was going to pee on her electric blanket and fry herself. Yes, the dog has an electric blanket under her blanket in her cage. She's not spoiled or anything, though!! haha.

Well, I just want to write down a few things. First, I am staying at Melissa's house dog-sitting while she and her family is in Chicago. Her dog finally came out of her cage on her own!!! Yay!!!

I just need to write down some things, and I thought I would share them. Maybe someone else out there is feeling the same way.

I want to be a doctor so bad, but I don't see it ever happening. I don't see myself growing older. I don't see myself having kids. I don't see myself ever getting married. It's kinda like I don't see past tomorrow. I don't even really know if I'll wake up in the morning. It scares me so bad to think this way. I know I won't hurt myself, but maybe someone else will. Or maybe I wasn't meant to live past a certain age. Even when I was 16, I never thought I would see 25. And now I'm 25. I have nothing. I haven't accomplished anything. Yes, I have a BS, but that doesn't mean anything anymore. And I want to be a medical doctor. Why can't I see past tomorrow?

I feel like I'm watching everyone else's lives go past me. My life just stopped one day...and it forgot how to start back up. I hate being alone. I don't know why I feel this way, but I wish I could feel different.

At home, my carbon monoxide detector keeps going off. Of course, Idiot thinks that my machine isn't working. There couldn't be anything wrong with the house...since he's the one that built it. I just don't want to die. It scares me. What if I die? I don't want to die. I just want to live. I want a normal life. Man, I wish I could change the things he did to me...or change how I reacted to them...because it's ruined my life. I am nothing.

My nerves are shot. I got confused for no apparent reason at work and just started bawling my eyes out. It was like, I knew where I was, but I didn't know why I was there or what I was supposed to do. I hate this. I don't want to live like this. No, no, I'm not going to kill myself. That would make too many people happy. I can't have that!!

Is there anyone out there who has bad anxiety that has found something that works?? I am passing out all the time, too. What that means is that I am going to be a prisoner in my own home. I won't be able to drive. I won't be able to go to med school. I'll be a loser. I hate my life right now. I wish I could be back in Indy. At least then, I would be able to sleep at night without worrying if the idiot my mother married is going to hurt me. He haunts my dreams. I hate nightmares all the time now. What's wrong??

I know that God is still in control. I just don't understand why I have to go through this. I'm a wreck. I can't even go to church now. How is me not being able to go to church glorifying Him?? I can't even UGH!!! It doesn't matter.

I don't want to end up in a looney bin. I can't do that. If that happened, I would kill myself. I would stop eating. It would be a slow and painful death. But it would be worth it to get out of a hell hole like that. Please, God, please help me!!!

I know it's okay to ask why me because Job did. But I think it would be selfish, too. To be honest, I would rather have cancer or some other disease. When it's something in your head, there's nothing you can do about it...and you go nuts. I pray to God that they find something on my MRI and EEG. I need things to be normal again. I want to be able to drive and not worry about passing out. It's not me I'm worried about when driving...I don't want to kill anyone else just because I decided to get behind the wheel and pass out, ya know?

Melissa probably thinks I'm crazy now, but that's okay. And my old church is like, I'm sure someone could pick you up. You're missing awesome services. Blah,blah, blah. But I'm happy where I'm going. I believe despite all this crap, that God loves me. But why does He love me? I'm a worthless fat pile of nothing. Why does He love me? Why did He choose me when there are better, more deserving people out there? I don't get it. I'm so overwhelmed.

Well, I had a MRI today. The first part was normal. I listened to 98.9 the Bear out of Ft. Wayne, IN. They were playing some good music!!

Then the lady doing the test took me out of the cave and tried to find a vein. She needed to shoot some good ole dye into my arm so that my veins would be contrasted against everything else. She couldn't find a vein in either arm!! She dug around in my left arm.

After awhile, which seemed like an eternity, she gave up. About ten minutes later, another nurse came to try and find a vein. No luck in either arm...so she had to dig into my hand. Ahh!

So, that's all done and other with. Yay! I know this sounds weird, but I hope they can find something. That way, we know what to fix. I can't live like this. I won't be able to drive to school or work or anywhere if they don't find something and fix it.

It all sucks. But I know it could be a lot worse. I have all day Friday to sit and ponder on what's next in my life. I have to be able to at least TRY to get into med school. And I can't even finish the prereqs until I'm well enough to drive. I hate my body!!

Let's talk about this body of mine. It's so gross and full of blubber. I try to exercise, but I get dizzy. I hate my body so much. I wish I could afford to get my boobs cut off. I HATE them. When I was thin, I didn't even have any boobs. I was like a 34-A, nearly A. I loved it. And now they are monsters. I want to cut them off. I wish I knew how to do it...I'd do it myself.

I still don't feel like cutting myself. I'm glad for that. I know I'd feel better, but I don't want the scars. I don't have any scars from last time, and I'm thankful for that. Sorry, Melissa.

I need to find a nice place that's cheap. My sister's friend looked at a place in Winchester that's $225/month...all utilities included. I need to call them and check it out!!!

Well, tata for now.

Well, I passed out yesterday. Thank God I wasn't driving. I'm so sick of passing out. My mom said that if the docs can't find something wrong, then they need to put me on disability. UGH!! Then she said that it's too dangerous for me to be living by myself. I could pass out and hit my head the wrong way.

I have been acting selfishly and not keeping my eyes on God. I got upset about the people at work...who don't know Him like I do. It's hard when people are saying bad things about you, but I have to learn and remember that I'm the one trying to show them Jesus through me, my acts, my words.

I don't feel well today, but I see the doc in about an hour. I'm kinda scared, but at the same time, I need to know what's wrong. I can't live like this. I can't be wondering if I'm going to pass out or not.

The weird thing with yesterday's episode is that I didn't remember driving to Pak-A-Sak. When I got there, I was like, man, I don't remember driving here. Then I tried to fight the passing out, but it beat me. And when I got back up, my vision was weird. It was like looking at a magnifying glass. I need to remember to tell the doc this.

I know that all of this is happening for a reason...and it will eventually be to glorify God. I don't understand it, and maybe I never will. But as long as He keeps me in His arms, I will be okay.

My nephew was really cute last night. I went to the hospital with my sis-n-law. I didn't feel well, but I didn't want her driving 2 hours one-way by herself. He is getting so big!! His primary nurse loves him to pieces...and buys him toys and clothes all the time!! She has even stayed after her shift just to rock him!!! Thank God for wonderful people like her!!!

Well, I'll have to let ya'll know what the doc says when I get back.

I am so sick of feeling sick. I tried driving to church today, and I almost had a wreck. I started feeling dizzy and lightheaded. I can't go on living like this. I can't handle it anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself...I just don't want to live like this anymore. I know there are people out there much worse than I could ever imagine. But I feel like I'm losing it, and I'd rather die than lose my mind.

My family is having Thanksgiving today. There's nothing I can eat because it all is going to be either fried, greasy, or have lots of sugar/starch/carbs. I can't eat any of that. But then I think, maybe I should eat a bunch of candy...then I could go into a sugar-induced coma. The only problem with that is that I would have no control.

So, instead of being at church where I feel safe, I have to be at home...with Idiot...alone.

How can I be a doctor or even begin med school if I can't make myself feel better? My life is over. But maybe that's a good thing...because it has sucked thus far.

How am I supposed to feel better? What else can the docs try? I can't be like this. If I don't start feeling better, I will turn back to ana. At least with her, I will have some kind of control. Everything else is just a mess.

I'm starting to hate my job. I'm sick and tired of the childishness. And I was told I wouldn't have to work Sundays, and I'm working them. I don't even get paid enough to pay my bills. How in the heck am I supposed to move out of this hell hole when I only make $6/hour? After taxes are taken out, that's less than $5/hour. Can someone just shoot me and get it over with?

It doesn't help matters that I'm a huge cow. And a nutritionist was supposed to call me, but she/he never did.

I think I have a problem with crowds. My sister and I went to the mall yesterday, and I thought I was going to die. I got really dizzy and lightheaded...like I am right now. But I also had hot flashes...starting to feel like I might have crowd-anxiety. I don't like to be pushed around or touched at all.

My doc said I should get laid. But it wouldn't do me any good because I would go into survival mode and go numb. I hate what Idiot did to me. It totally destroyed my life. When is he going to be punished? How's come he gets to live a normal life while mine sucks? Where's God? Doesn't He love me? I thought He did...but how can anyone love me? I'm garbage.

I just saw some pics of when I was at my lowest weight. My friend is supposed to email them to me. Man, I would kill to be that thin again. I remember being able to count my ribs through a t-shirt...seeing all the bones in my back. I loved it. There was even a gap between my underwear and skin because my hips stuck out that much. I looked great. My friend was like, that's gross. But I saw something more than what she could see. I saw an answer to all my recent problems. I don't plan at all on cutting myself, but as of tomorrow, I'm on a diet. I will have a protein bar for breakfast, turkey sandwich for lunch (no mayo or cheese), and a protein bar for supper. I don't want to go over 800 calories starting out. I will eventually decrease that to something else.

I feel like there's nothing I can control right now. My body is stupid. I hate my body. I hate my boobs. I hate my stomach. I hate everything. I'm sick and tired of feeling like crap. I hate it when the docs say it's just stress...that there's nothing they can do. And the meds I've tried don't work. All that happens is that I get depressed. I was happy living in Indy. I just don't know what to do anymore. And if Melissa reads this, she'll probably get upset. I'm so sorry. Man, am I sorry. I'm a basket case. And I'm scared to death. I just want to cry. But if I start, I don't know if I could stop. And I was supposed to see a shrink today, but he had another appointment in another town. Now I have to wait for a week to get in to see him. I can't keep going like this. I don't want to be depressed. I hate this. I can't take it. I need out of my house asap. I'm so scared that he's going to hurt me again. And ugh. I don't even know.

I keep having nightmares. I'm stopping my meds. I can't function at all like this. I just want to be thin. Then maybe things would be okay. I know that's not rational. But I just don't know what else can be done to help me. I don't even want to live if this is how my life is going to be. I don't want to die, though, because I don't want to be seen this fat. I am waiting on God to provide. Where is He?